Little Voices in My Head

Let’s talk about dog packs for a moment, shall we? In every pack of dogs, *actually, in every conglomeration of animal groups, really* there is an Alpha. The top dog. The dog that makes, enforces, and changes at a whim, The Rules. The dog that takes care of the pack, defends the pack, leads the hunt, and scouts the den for the night. The Alpha dog does all these things simply because it’s the Alpha. The strongest, toughest, smartest, and often the scrappiest dog in the pack.  This dog is instantly recognizable by the sheer force of personality it exudes.

Humans have this type of person in our social and familial groups as well. Think about a person you know who walks into a room and instantly, or close to it, has command of the room. The one that, in a ‘group work’ scenario, is the first to speak up, the instantly elected leader. A person you know who you just can’t seem to describe in any other terms than ones like; strong, capable, independent, forceful, and even a bit cocky. This person always seems to be on top of things, the first to volunteer for something difficult, in control of their situation at all times, and no matter how much shit is heaped down upon them, capable of handling the load.  The Atillas and Einsteins and Kings of the world.  Some people are temporary Alphas. They can assume or reject authority depending on their situation. Some are Assumed Alphas. They are given authority by default in social situations because they appear the most capable. Some are Asshole Alphas, they attempt to wrest authority in EVERY situation because they feel they should/can. And some are completely perplexed Alphas. They have no idea how they got to be this way, but are willing to accept the authority because SOMEONE has to.

But I wonder, quite often actually, who comforts the Alpha dog when he has a bad day leading the pack? Who has HIS back when the wildabeast gets a good chunk outta his hide?  Do Alphas ever yearn to have just one day where they don’t have to make all the decisions? One day where they can kick back and let someone (or some dog) else take care of the pack for awhile? Or how about just one damn day where someone takes care of THEM? What happens when the Alpha wants to quit? Or gets tired? Who do Alpha humans rely on when they encounter their limit?

It has not escaped my notice that I assume the Alpha role quite often in my day to day life. I joke with a select friend group that in 99.9% of my life, I’m in a caregiving, Alpha role. Lately, it’s been 100%. And today, for just a few moments, I wanted to quit. I could feel it, deep in my bones, the absolutely weariness that had become my existance. I was so tired. Still am, really. It’s exhausting being ‘on’ 100% of your time. It’s utterly draining to be the one to have to say yes or no to really difficult decisions like: ‘Yes, put him on the vent.’, ‘No, I have to go to work, you need to be here this weekend.’, ‘Yes, you need to do this or that to unfuck your life.’, ‘Yes, I can take care of that for you.’, ‘Yes, I’ll do it.’ or ‘I guess that’s my job then.’.

And don’t mistake me, I don’t mind, at all, being the one to make those decisions. I have known for quite awhile now just where I stand in my interpersonal relationships, and what my role is. I’m just really tired. And today, someone actually stood up for me. Several someones actually. And it felt good. It felt amazing to NOT be Alpha in that scenario. Someone actually stood up for ME. Defended ME. It was…exhilirating. So I wanted to quit, and to just feel that for a little while longer.

Do me a favor, watch the people in your lives. Give the Alpha in the room a hug once in awhile. It may save their brains.

Carissa in Charge.