Little Voices in My Head

New page is up! Titled “Meet the Voices” and is your first chance to see a bit of what goes on inside MY head on a daily basis. Not for the weak of funny bone, or the faint of heart when it comes to profanity. (Leroy can get a little…blue) Enjoy.

Tooting my own horn is unusual for me. Pull up your squares of carpet, folks. I’m about to blow that sucker like Little Boy Blue.

In the past 18months, I have lost over 100 pounds. Yep. For those of you keeping track, that’s 20 more pounds than an Olsen Twin. That’s almost a BackStreet Boy. That’s two, *count ‘em* TWO large bags of dog food, ten bags of kitty litter, or almost 80 pairs of Jimmy Choos. (I have shoes on the brain lately. I’m blaming Muffy, she’s having shopping cravings) I was talking to a new friend just yesterday about some of the coolest things I’ve noticed now that I’ve got this ‘new’ body. Some of them, like fitting into old clothing from college, are obvious, but some are so obscure that most of you ‘average’ or ’skinny’ people would never even think of them. So I decided to list them. You may consider some of it bragging, and you may consider some of it so mundane that you’ll be bored to tears, but I’m happy about it, and if you don’t like it, in the words of Leroy “Kiss my glistening bald black butt while you’re back there!”

Some of the best things about being 100 lbs lighter

• Being able to walk across a crowded room without hurting people.

• Using a regular blood pressure cuff at the doctor’s office.

• Ordering a dessert at a restaurant without getting ‘the look’ from your waiter/waitress/other patrons.

• Buying regular width shoes.

• Seat belts in cars don’t lock if you adjust your arms.

• Someone assumed I played sports in High-School. ME?! Sports? WHA?

• Not worrying about breaking plastic lawn furniture.

• Taking a flight of stairs simply because the elevator was too darn slow, and the stairs were actually faster.

• Sitting in a booth with my boyfriend, and we both had elbow room to spare. (not that we used it, but it was there if we wanted it, and that’s the point. LOL)

• Hugging my friends and feeling their arms actually go AROUND me for the first time.

• Hearing someone call me “the pretty, tall one, in the corner” when describing me to someone who hadn’t met me.

• Doing a split for the first time in 10 years.

• Adjusting my bra straps DOWN a size in the back.

• Arguing with my girlpal over who the wolf-whistle was aimed at. And losing because it was aimed at me.

• Learning to accept compliments that aren’t false.

• Being able to look at catalogs and have the option of ordering from one because the sizes include ME now.

• Swimsuits no longer cause panic attacks.

• I don’t fear starting a fire if wearing corduroy pants.

• My hands are the only things that wave when I say hello and goodbye.

• I can wear my boyfriend’s jacket, and zip it up, and be warm.

• Only ONE chin to powder when applying makeup.

Some of you won’t understand half of those things, and some of you are smiling and nodding because you understand EXACTLY what I’m saying. Those of you who are in the SAME boat I was 18 months ago, and hating it, email me. I won’t recommend a weight loss plan for you, because I firmly believe that no person is going to lose weight until THEY are ready to do it. Nothing I say is going to change that, and what I did to lose weight isn’t going to work the same way for any other person on this planet. (because I can’t really pinpoint exactly WHAT the hell I did anyway) But I will be here for you. I will listen. I will slap the mess outta those people that ‘mean well’ when they give you all that ‘advice’… *groan*

And for those of you hating me at this moment: nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh. Kiss my bald, shiny, white, skinny butt while you’re back there, if you can catch it. I’m going for a hike. I have the energy now.

Why do people say stupid things they don’t really mean, but they say them because they are part of the lexicon? The statement that brought up the topic was “if you can, that’s cool, and if you can’t, that’s cool too.” I know I’ve said it, I KNOW some of you have said it, but really, do any of us MEAN it? Hell no. I wouldn’t ask you to do something if it were ‘cool’ that you couldn’t do it. Hince the asking. Other examples:

“Catch ya later”—unless I’m talking to a trout, this makes NO sense.

“I can dig it”—again, unless you are actually HOLDING A SHOVEL, this makes no sense.

“Word, yo”–what word, and why is it half of a yo-yo?

“I hear you”—of course you heard me. Last time I checked, you weren’t deaf, and I was talking. Duh.

“I like her and all, but I don’t think…”—ok, you either like the person, or you don’t. If you’re going to make a bitchy comment, tell them. I don’t want to be responsible for the fall out if I’m talking to that person, they ask me what you said, and I have to lie. I suck at it, and I refuse to do it anymore.

“Ok, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but…”—If you’re not supposed to tell me, DON”T EFFING TELL ME. See previous statement about how much I SUCK at lying! Don’t get me wrong, I can keep a secret until the day I die, but I can’t just lie to someone I care about. I will be foreced to tell them “I know, but I can’t tell you a damn thing about it”.

“It’s not you, it’s me”—this statement has never been said with a straight face. Man up, *or woman up*, admit you don’t want to be with someone, and expect them to be an adult about it and move on.

“Get off my back!”—Um, I’m 5′10″ tall. Unless you are much much MUCH larger, there is no way in hell I was EVER on your back. The sheer physics of that are improbable.

“I love *insert name or pronoun here*, but I’m not IN love with them”—ok, this one KINDA makes sense, if we’re talking about a puppy. If you’re talking about a PERSON, you either love them, and want to be with them, or you don’t. There are different types of love, yes. I don’t love mom the same way I love a man, *cuz that’s just sick* but I don’t lie about it either. I either love you, or I don’t. End of story.

“That’s such a girl/guy thing”–when did activities/movies/books/whatever suddenly get a gender? I didn’t think that in the year 2007 things would still be divided by sex. I’m not going all femminazi on ya, I think it works just as cruelly on the guys. *if you like the movie Beaches, and happen to have a penis, who CARES?*

“Sorry, I’m just…”–RELAX people. Appologies are unnecessary at the begining of a statement. If you have a good reason for your behavior, great. Tell me, and we’ll all hug and get over it. If you don’t, I’ll tell you you’re being an ass, and we’ll all hug and get over it.

So, that’s all I could think of off the top of my head, because the day is young, feel free to comment with your own “Most overused, incorrect expression”. And please, don’t give me that “You’ve said that to me before!” bullshit. I know I’m guilty of saying some of these things. I acknowledge that I may even say them again. So get off my back! *see what I did there?LOL*

Carissa

My Day

For one day, every year
I am completely unreachable
in every sense of the word.

You can’t call me,
text me
Email me
or fax me.
Don’t try to visit my home,
or find me in any of my usual haunts.
I don’t wish to be found.

364 days a year
I am a completely, honestly, wonderfully, understandable,
open book.
If I can,
in any way possible,
be there for you, help you, talk to you, spend time with you, bend, twist, and mould my life for you,
I will.  
But not THIS day.

This is MY day.
My day to grieve
to howl
to cry
to laugh
to lie
to stare
to snort
to create
to skip
to jump
to play
to wallow
if I so choose
because it is my day.

I will gladly and freely give all of you
every iota of me that I have to give
364 days a year
because that is just who I am.

But this day,
I won’t.
I won’t tell you where I’m going.
I won’t tell you where I have been.
I will lie to your face if you dare to ask me.

I do promise to be safe.
But I won’t promise to be stagnant.
And I take my day alone.

One day. Just one, solitary day.
In a giant year,
is not too much to ask.
Call me selfish if you must.
Call me secretive.
Just don’t attempt to call me at all that day.
You’ll only get a dial tone.