Little Voices in My Head

Tooting my own horn is unusual for me. Pull up your squares of carpet, folks. I’m about to blow that sucker like Little Boy Blue.

In the past 18months, I have lost over 100 pounds. Yep. For those of you keeping track, that’s 20 more pounds than an Olsen Twin. That’s almost a BackStreet Boy. That’s two, *count ‘em* TWO large bags of dog food, ten bags of kitty litter, or almost 80 pairs of Jimmy Choos. (I have shoes on the brain lately. I’m blaming Muffy, she’s having shopping cravings) I was talking to a new friend just yesterday about some of the coolest things I’ve noticed now that I’ve got this ‘new’ body. Some of them, like fitting into old clothing from college, are obvious, but some are so obscure that most of you ‘average’ or ’skinny’ people would never even think of them. So I decided to list them. You may consider some of it bragging, and you may consider some of it so mundane that you’ll be bored to tears, but I’m happy about it, and if you don’t like it, in the words of Leroy “Kiss my glistening bald black butt while you’re back there!”

Some of the best things about being 100 lbs lighter

• Being able to walk across a crowded room without hurting people.

• Using a regular blood pressure cuff at the doctor’s office.

• Ordering a dessert at a restaurant without getting ‘the look’ from your waiter/waitress/other patrons.

• Buying regular width shoes.

• Seat belts in cars don’t lock if you adjust your arms.

• Someone assumed I played sports in High-School. ME?! Sports? WHA?

• Not worrying about breaking plastic lawn furniture.

• Taking a flight of stairs simply because the elevator was too darn slow, and the stairs were actually faster.

• Sitting in a booth with my boyfriend, and we both had elbow room to spare. (not that we used it, but it was there if we wanted it, and that’s the point. LOL)

• Hugging my friends and feeling their arms actually go AROUND me for the first time.

• Hearing someone call me “the pretty, tall one, in the corner” when describing me to someone who hadn’t met me.

• Doing a split for the first time in 10 years.

• Adjusting my bra straps DOWN a size in the back.

• Arguing with my girlpal over who the wolf-whistle was aimed at. And losing because it was aimed at me.

• Learning to accept compliments that aren’t false.

• Being able to look at catalogs and have the option of ordering from one because the sizes include ME now.

• Swimsuits no longer cause panic attacks.

• I don’t fear starting a fire if wearing corduroy pants.

• My hands are the only things that wave when I say hello and goodbye.

• I can wear my boyfriend’s jacket, and zip it up, and be warm.

• Only ONE chin to powder when applying makeup.

Some of you won’t understand half of those things, and some of you are smiling and nodding because you understand EXACTLY what I’m saying. Those of you who are in the SAME boat I was 18 months ago, and hating it, email me. I won’t recommend a weight loss plan for you, because I firmly believe that no person is going to lose weight until THEY are ready to do it. Nothing I say is going to change that, and what I did to lose weight isn’t going to work the same way for any other person on this planet. (because I can’t really pinpoint exactly WHAT the hell I did anyway) But I will be here for you. I will listen. I will slap the mess outta those people that ‘mean well’ when they give you all that ‘advice’… *groan*

And for those of you hating me at this moment: nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh. Kiss my bald, shiny, white, skinny butt while you’re back there, if you can catch it. I’m going for a hike. I have the energy now.