I was going through some old documents of mine on a REALLY old PC hardrive, and stumbeled across this gem of a conversation I had with Mike. Mike is a friend from my ECU days. Mike is an awesome dude, and this convo took place late one night over AIM when I couldn’t sleep and Mike was kind enough to indulge me with a bit of a story. The people mentioned do exist, but their personality traits are completely exaggerated. The misspelling of my name is deliberate and a pun on the way my old roommate used to say it when she was drunk. She tended to drop syllables here and there. *rolling eyes* Enjoy!
firefingers10: Sup hommie?
Unshun2001: Hey, girl
firefingers10: How you livin?
Unshun2001: What you up to?
firefingers10: I’m bored as hell.
Unshun2001:I’m livin’ aight for now
firefingers10: LOL
firefingers10: I need to be asleep, but I’m not.
firefingers10: Tell me a bedtime story?
Unshun2001: What kind of a story are you up for?
firefingers10: A good one with a happy ending.
Unshun2001: ONCE UPON A TIME
Unshun2001: There was a special planet where it was nice and sunny year-round
Unshun2001: people were nice to each other, and drinks were always on the house
firefingers10: OOo this is going to be good, I can tell.
Unshun2001:This place was called Goodland, and all of its inhabitants were Goody products
Unshun2001: like combs and other randomness
Unshun2001: And they were happy in their plastic existence
firefingers10: oooo plastic@!
Unshun2001: but one day….
Unshun2001: they noticed that the part of their race that was chipping its teeth and losing its caps was not being replenished
Unshun2001: Not to mention, drinks weren’t free anymore
Unshun2001: the Goodies had no idea what was going on, so they called a town meeting
Unshun2001:Chief Masta “G” decided that it would be necessary to investigate further
Unshun2001: two of the bravest Goodies were selected to travel to planet Earth to see what was going wrong with Goody production
firefingers10: ooooo hope it turns out alright!
Unshun2001: these two…
Unshun2001: none other than Fred Bowen and Cap
firefingers10: Fred and Cap!
firefingers10: Heroes!~!!!!
Unshun2001:Fred Bowen with an amazing gumby-like power to flail every which way and confuse people with his slow, drawn-out rhetoric
Unshun2001:Cap, with the ability to blend in with weasils and scare the living shit out of people
Unshun2001: and sometimes, do both… at the same time!!!!
firefingers10: wow….
Unshun2001: They hopped aboard their plastic craft and headed off
Unshun2001: Years later, they were unfrozen
Unshun2001:they pulled a time freeze biatch like Sigourney Weaver did in Alien
firefingers10: I love that movie!
firefingers10: Wow!
Unshun2001: Only the most special person ever could thaw them out…
Unshun2001:Car’ssA
Unshun2001: So she went with her assistant, Jesus Brian
firefingers10: Awwww!~ I’m in the story!
firefingers10: Fluffy!
Unshun2001:Since she had the powers of Burger King at her disposal, she decided that the tradtional thaw wasn’t happening
Unshun2001: and instead… deep fried and microwaved those pieces
firefingers10: Wow.
firefingers10: c’rissA rocks.
Unshun2001:The Goodies told Car’ssA of the troubles on their planet, and suddenly she realized why her goldie locks that kept her warm in winter had been extra Bob-Marleyish
Unshun2001: NO NEW COMBS…
Unshun2001: Well, that wasn’t about to happen
Unshun2001:nosireeBOB!!!
firefingers10: no way!
Unshun2001: Jesus Brian agreed, because, well, that’s usually what he does
firefingers10: Good sidekick.
Unshun2001: They darted straight for the Goody factories
Unshun2001: Landing at the most sophisticated, they immediately began questioning the Harlem residents
firefingers10: ooo natives!~
Unshun2001: They began explaining that they had been running the rich white man’s America for years and years without respect or raises
Unshun2001: so they just decided to go postal
firefingers10: oooo tension mounting!
Unshun2001: Fred Bowen got them all around him on a carpet, kind of like in Death to Smoochy, to tell them a helpful story
Unshun2001: He began in citing Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance
Unshun2001:his tale was long, arduous, and full of big words and dirtay south attitude
firefingers10: ooooo story time with Fred!
Unshun2001: he explained that it was wrong that these atrocities had occurred
Unshun2001:but that once upon a time, Car’ssA wouldn’t date him, and so… life doesn’t always work out the way you want it to
firefingers10: awww….
Unshun2001: The Harlem peeps didn’t really get it on the first time around
Unshun2001: then Fred decided to entertain them
Unshun2001: He told them a story of a time when he worked with Front Porch Productions and all of them gathered weekly in an attempt to create an awesome show
firefingers10: oooo he’s showing iniciative!
Unshun2001:about high school proms, virgin sluts, omniscient black guys, and all that shiat
Unshun2001: and how he was going to write the script based on all the others’ ideas
Unshun2001: but in the shadows of the room, Cap was growing weary
Unshun2001: and he was thinking it was time to unleash the fury and straight up bust some aspirin
firefingers10: asprin!
Unshun2001: So he went straight psycho on the mothers and made them take his advanced acting classes
firefingers10: ooooo the nemisis of all students!
Unshun2001:Several months later, the Harlemites knew the meaning of pain
Unshun2001: and they knew that life wasn’t fair, and that not all people were there to help them out
Unshun2001: their hearts grew three times that day
Unshun2001: though I don’t know why.
firefingers10: wow, growing body parts!
Unshun2001: So they figured out that someone would always be there to do that job, but if it made them miserable, then they needed to find a new job
Unshun2001: so maybe all the problems of the world weren’t fixed, but it was a start
Unshun2001: maybe the white man will taste boot one day
Unshun2001: but we don’t know
Unshun2001: and in fact, the Goodies don’t mind much
firefingers10: Ooo what happened to the Goodies home world?
Unshun2001:because the drinks were never free again on Goodyland again
Unshun2001: but they got something a lot better than free drinks
firefingers10: ooo ooo ooo what?
Unshun2001: production went up 40%
Unshun2001:and on top of that, they got to take Car’ssA back home with them, and that is the most joyous thing of all
Unshun2001: as a matter of fact, they all agree, it’s better than sex.
firefingers10: LOL I love this story!
Unshun2001: And I suppose you’re wondering what happened to Fred Bowen….
firefingers10: Did he ever get over not dating Car’ssA?
Unshun2001: Well, just as they were about to return home, Fred decided that maybe he didn’t fit in… he was still bitter
Unshun2001: he thought that maybe he needed a new home altogether
Unshun2001:but he never did find out where Gumby lived
firefingers10: Gumbe eloped with pokey, DUH.
Unshun2001:but… he was sitting on the shore one day, reminiscing, thinking about shizznit, meditating, daydreaming, and stuff like that
Unshun2001: and all of a sudden, King Triton came out of the water and turned him into a Mermaid
Unshun2001: and wouldn’t you know
Unshun2001:that lucky muthafucka got to chill out UNDA THE SEA for the rest of his days, and it was beautiful
firefingers10: awww…fins!
Unshun2001: and, oh yeah…
Unshun2001: he got to hit on Ariel
Unshun2001: WHO WOULDN’T WANT A PIECE OF THAT
firefingers10: That’s one tasty fishy bitch. I must agree.
Unshun2001: So all in all, everything worked out, and everyone lived fairly happily
firefingers10: That rocks.
firefingers10: Nice story!
firefingers10: You soooo should write that shit down.
firefingers10: I’m going to have to save this convo.
