Little Voices in My Head

Leroy: Finally. After 5 fucking years, 6 fucking months, and 23 damn days, and 10 long-ass hours, The Female got rid of the Douchebag! I could dance a fucking jig, I really could man. Not that I was counting or anything, but SHEEEIT, it’s been a long time commin’.

Yenta: Language, you ape! Yes, Bubbie is rid of dat horrible man for the legal ways, but she still haf to keep eyes in her back of head.

Muffy: OMG, I know, right? I nearly DIED when they called his name in court and all looked around for him like he was gonna show up and all! As if he could care LESS about the divorce? I mean COME ON! The douche couldn’t even be bothered to return a phone call, one of those summons thingies, certified letter, blah blah blah. Like he’s going to have driven his tushie all the way to NC just to raise a ruckus? SOOOO not.

True, but he always say he never let Bubbie divorce him, he just make wit da shoot. “Much less trouble to just kill you” he say. All da time he say dat. I tell you true I fear for Bubbie all morning till dat nice judge sign da papers.

I’d have liked to have seen his ass show up in court. Oh yeah, that bailiff with the big piece woulda made NICE work of his sorry ass. You can bet on it.

GUYS! Can I get a word in!

Sorry Bubbie. We just so happy for you.

Dayum, Female. We’z just kinda happy for your ass, ya feel me?

Yeah, I get that, but you’re confusing the rest of the world, they don’t have the update yet.

Sorry Sweetie! We’ll shut up. Kinda. Well, after what I just said anyway. And what I’m saying now….Yeah.

Thanks.

So as you readers have probably guessed, the divorce is final! As of 10am yesterday, I am free. It wasn’t easy, as I found out TWO minutes BEFORE I had to take the stand, that not only was I the only person in the damn court that day who’s divorce was going to be complicated, but I was also going to have to testify. Yeah, I had to take the stand and tell the nice Judge that yes, I have tried to, *REPEATEDLY* find his sorry ass and tell him that since he dropped the ball and didn’t file for divorce like he said he would, I was going to. Then the court got a nice laugh when I answered the question of, “To your knowledge, do you or *insert Ex ElDouchebag’s name here* have any physical or mental defects or disabilities?” with, “Well, I don’t know about HIM, but I don’t.” Hey, I swore on a BIBLE to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth to the best of my ability. That answer is the best I had. The Judge even chuckled a bit at that one. So ten minutes later, The Judge signed off on the divorce, and I walked out of the courtroom smiling. Shaking a bit, because yeah, I was terrified. Yenta had a point up there. EED always swore he’d kill me before he’d let me divorce him, but I was smiling. I went immediately to the Social Security office and got a new card with my now-legal maiden name back, then to the DMV and now have a shiny new licence! Today I went to work, *on my day off, no less!* and changed my name on all my paperwork THERE too. Not that I’m at all eager to have my maiden name back in full or anything…no…not me…not at all…

Last night, my boys and my sweetie, all indulged me with a couple of congratulatory shots, many hugs, and even more kudos. I’ll probably throw a ‘ding, dong, the douche is dead’ party later on next week, but last night, the pre-party was just perfect. Thanks guys. Right now, I’m taking my happy, and very very divorced tushie to bed where it belongs!