Little Voices in My Head

It’s just after midnight here on Christmas Day, and I find myself reflecting.

Reflecting? No Bubbie, you is dwelling. Tinking about a da things you cannot change. 

For once, Yenta, your radar is jammed.

I do not know dis “jam”. What you mean? What is “Jam”? 

Your intuative knowledge of how I feel and what’s going on in my brain is incorrect this time. I’m not dwelling, I’m reflecting. There is not emotional connotation to reflecting, just remembrance. Dwelling means I would be weepy, but I’m not.

Bout damn time you finished your crying, female.

Oh holy bejezzus! Where have you three BEEN? I finished my crying a long time ago. In fact, haven’t cried much at all this year. Normally Christmas season is a VERY weepy time for me. Notice any tears lately?

No…not many. 

There were enough to make me wanna shut your mouth the old fashioned way, but yeah, you been a little better this year. 

OMG.OMG.OMG. You are, like, totally different this year! I didn’t really pay attention before, but now that you mention it…

Exactly. This is me with the NOT dwelling, this is me with the happy. See?

Bubbie, I not want to make you unhappy, but what is different now? 

I don’t know Yenta. Maybe it’s just that this year, I’m able to remember the happy times a bit more. I have enough distance from the people and events of the past that…I don’t feel the pain as deeply.

Well fuck me sideways! You mean you’re done with all that bullshit finally and ready to boogie? 

I don’t know about BOOGIE, but yeah, I’m cutting out the bullshit. I can now be grateful that I had the chance to know Berne, who died on Christmas Eve 3 years ago. To be happy that I felt life grow inside of me, so I know what absolute love is like. To remember the love I felt from the men of my past, and remember the hurt.  I learned to appreciate the love more now, should it be in front of me again. Even Pammie, who last year I spent MOURNING when she is still HERE, is nothing but a source of joy now. I will loose her down the road, but I have her now, and I intend to spoil her rotten until the day comes that she…goes.

Dat cannot be all dat has changed Bubbie, dere must be someting else. You keep your tears back even from us here. Dat is new. 

Yeah, it is. But even you three aren’t privvy to  EVERY thought and feeling I have. I’ve had to learn to block you four out from some of my life. How else do you think I enjoy sex with men when Leroy is such a homophobe?

HEY! I am not. I just don’t like to see that shit. Ya know? I mean, I ain’t gay, but who the fuck cares if other people are? 

My mistake Leroy.

Ok, I get that you keep stuff from us, but like, how? 

Easy, I’ve been thinking more with the front of my brain, less with the back. Call it ‘following my impulses’. Instead of pushing the thoughts back to the subconscious, I’ve been processing them forebrain. You all live in the back, and the Amazon lives WAAAAAY back, so she’s been silent as well.

Yo! Amazon! You still livin’ woman? 

LEROY! That’s just not cool. Don’t wake her. I’m HAPPY. You three get that? I’m going to spend the day tomorrow watching Pammie open her gifts, and eating an early dinner with my family, and then working a few hours to make OTHER’S lives a bit more comfortable. It’s going to be a wonderful day, and for that I’m grateful.

Bubbie, I so proud of you. You make da good idea. Happy Christmas. Dat how you say it yes? 

Close enough Yenta.

Merry fucking Christmas female. And Yenta, you have a great haun…hank…chank…whatever. 

Pass the Eggnog and stand next to the mistletoe!

Merry Christmas everyone. Take my advice, find your slice of happy and run with it.

Carissa the Jolly