Little Voices in My Head

I posted what follows many moons ago, but since then, I’ve decided to add a few…tweeks. For those of you who missed the origonal, it’s up on the “Dating Carissa” page.

June 25th, 2008 (Again, BARELY. It’s 0043, and I just HAD to get this out of my brain or Muffy wouldn’t SHUT UP)

Some tips and tricks for those interested in dating a woman like me. They’re not aimed at anyone in particular, but they are based on past and current experience. That’s the reason I’m using the words “I” and “you”. It’s just easier that way. I don’t like to speek for other women, but I’m pretty sure the grand majority of women, espically those who are similarly minded to me, are going to not only back me up on most of these points, but cheer me on! Granted, some of them, like my favorite flower, are pretty much “Carissa specific”. This idea came about when talking to some women out in the ‘pit’ at work, and one of them remarked ‘Why don’t we just post a list of what we want for our men? They’re so lost!’. So I had her tell me a few things she would put on it, and some other women chimed in, and I realized that it’s a damn good idea. Muffy’s been rolling it around her little corner of the brain since then, so here you go!

*I AM NOT PSYCHIC. You have something to tell me? Then just tell me. I’m a big girl now, and I’d appreciate some upfront honesty.

*I’m a sucker for dandelions. Pretty much any wildflower that you actually plucked from the earth with your own two hands just because you thought it would make me happy will do. Dandelions? Oh yeah, total heart-melter. You can actually FIX A FIGHT with a well-timed dandelion.

*It is going to take F-O-R-E-V-E-R to earn my trust. You break it, even once, and you’ll have to work even harder to get it again. If ever.

*I don’t say “I love you” lightly.

*It’s ok to tell me you think someone else is hot. It’s ok to stare. It’s even ok to say you’d like to sleep with them. But the next sentence outta your mouth had BETTER run along the lines of “But I’d rather come home to you, cuz I love you.” or “Even if I did fuck them, I’d want it to be an alternate reality because I love you.” See where I’m going with this?

*Just because I’m on a diet, doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu too. Trust me, sometimes, I look. But guess who I’m really thinking about during ‘quiet happy pillow time’? You.

*I really am THAT clueless sometimes. I didn’t know that guy was flirting, I thought he was being polite.

*When you compliment me, I try really really hard to belive you the first time. I do. Honest. I try. But some part of me is busy having that knee-jerk reaction that wonders if you’re just trying to make sure you can still get in my pants. Doesn’t mean you should stop with the compliments, because maybe not the 3rd time is a charm, but the 50th.

*When I’m staring at you, and smiling. Sometimes, I’m thinking about jumping you. Sometimes, I’m just thinking about the way you look when you’re sleepy. Learn the difference in the smiles.

*When I say “nothing” in response to a “What’s wrong?”, and we’re fighting…back away slowly, to a safe distance, and ask again. Keep asking. You may have to drag it out of me, because I don’t do ’share time’ well, but once you do, we’ll both feel better.

*Yeah, I CAN do just about everything in my life all by myself, but I WANT you in it. Be grateful.

*Touching me good. Do it a lot. Even when you’re NOT gonna get laid that day. I cannot stress this enough. I really really like touching.

*I have friends. Lots of ‘em. They touch me too. It’s a different kind of touching. Deal with this.

*Lie to me, even if you think it’s a good idea at the time, and you had better be prepared for a fight. A big one. One we may not recover from.

*When you are hurting, expect to be babied. It’s just what I do.

*Using my ears as a fight-deterrent is an unfair advantage and I call foul!

*I will NEVER like your ex. Any of them. I may say I do, I may even hang out with them, share a drink , hug them, and swap brownie recipes. Because I love you, and if you two are cool, then she and I are cool. The MINUTE that bitch makes you the slightest bit hurt/angry/upset again, she’s toast.

*You are expected to be a LITTLE bit jealous/posessive of me. Hold my hand or kiss me if you think a guy is flirting when we’re out in public. That’s ok. Tell me you don’t like it when men ogle me. When I tell a guy “I have a BF”, and he doesn’t back off, FEEL FREE to let loose your inner Gladiator. Just don’t beat someone up in a bar because they said hello. That’s taking it too far.

*I will snatch her bald and scratch her blind if a woman you have told “I have a girlfriend” doesn’t back off you. That is my right. You will smile, nod, and even clap and compliment my right hook if the case applies.

*I will gladly listen to you when you talk about sports, geek trivia, your day at work, just about ANY subject under the sun, because I love you, and I like to hear your voice. Don’t get angry if I ask questions. I just want to understand.

*My past is my past. I’m not ashamed, I won’t sugar-coat it, and I won’t lie about it. I also won’t offer up the information freely. If you really want to know, you’re going to have to ask direct questions and be very very prepared for the answers. You opened that can of worms, you have to deal with the wriggling.

*I’m going to assume you DON’T want me around unless you tell me you do. I won’t take your time for granted, and I expect you not to take mine. I have a job, a family, and friends to take care of too. Tell me when you want me around.

*I exercise because it feels good to me. You can enjoy the flexiblity, enjoy the body, even watch me do it if you want, but don’t even dream of mentioning my exercise routine to me if you notice me NOT doing it. It’s too close to calling me fat. I know it’s a stupid girl logic, but trust me, it will hurt me. I may even cry.

*If I am crying, the shit has hit the fan. You have two choices in this scenario. Fix it, or run. Up to you. 

*I am ALWAYS in your corner. I don’t care what I hear from who about anything concerning you. I am always going to check with YOU first before making any judgement, belive any statement, or even having any emotional response to anything I hear from anyone other than YOU.  I expect the same courtesy from you concerning me.

*If you tell me you need me, I don’t care what mountain I have to move, if I CAN be there, I will be.

*I am sometimes a bit crazy, but let’s face it, I kinda have to be. I chose you, didn’t I?

January 14th, 2009

*I am not an Etch a Sketch. I like to cuddle, I LOVE to be touched, and yes, PDA is my friend, but I expect you to do such no matter WHO is going to see you do it. This includes your friends and coworkers (family is a COMPLETELY different story) You cannot just pick me up and shake me and pretend I don’t exist when the ‘embarassment’ factor is high. If you’re embarassed to be with me, then DON’T BE WITH ME. You don’t deserve me anyway.

* There are times when tongue is inappropriate…my mother’s presence is a BIG clue.

* I am completely incapable of making a ‘first move’. Maybe that’s a stuipd girl thing, or maybe it’s a “Carissa is justifiably wary” thing. You’re going to have to speak up. 99% of the time, I’m thinking and feeling the same things, I just don’t have it in me to express them first.

*I do not expect to be on your mind ALL DAMN DAY. If you have a random thought of me, wonderful! Tell me about it later, and we can both grin like goobers because I probably thought of you that day too. Espically if it’s funny.

* I still don’t take compliments well.

* This is me with the happy in my own skin self. You like my skin too, then you get the wrinkles, stretch marks, bruises, and freckles right along with it. (for the dense ones: I’m happy with who I am, flaws and all. You’d better love my flaws too, or just don’t date me, k? Save some heartache)

* I adore the fact that men are men, and I have a secret affinity for big, rough, strong hands. (And even giant feet and toes with dry skin and serious need of a pedicure.) Because you’re a GUY, and that’s cool with me.

* You tear it off me, you bought it. I don’t expect you to give me money, cuz that makes it whory, but yeah, replacing the panties that you ripped off, would be nice.

*I promise to replace the sweater I stole, and the TShirt I ripped off you. Cuz fair is fair.

* DO NOT expect me to understand you the first time. I am a certifiable genius. 158 IQ. Doesn’t mean I get the ‘real world’ stuff. I really don’t understand that guy shrug/mumble/careaboutyou crap.

* I have a serious body image issue. I think I’m really about 3 inches shorter than I really am…so… This sometimes leads to bumped elbows, bruised knees and fingernail marks down your butt instead of your back…but hey, I’m a CNA, I can make it all better!

*Most of my friends are men. In fact, even some of my GIRL friends are close to men…you’re going ot hear me talk about a lot of guy names, and most of that is going to have the sentence, “And he’s a great kisser” in it too…doesn’t mean I’ve fucked everything that walks with a third leg and it doesn’t mean I have anything other than friendly feelings for them .Learn to ask if you want to know the details.

* Marylin Monroe said it best: “I’m selfish, impulsive, and hard to control, but if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deseve me at my best.”

*FYI: My best, is DAMN worth handling my worst.