Little Voices in My Head

Today is Wednesday. For those of you who aren’t aware of my current schedule: Wednesday equals “Pammie Day”. That means I get responsibility of Pammie all day. Mondays she visits with Rocky, Tuesdays is Lenore, Wednesdays me, and Thursday and Friday she has a caregiver from a nursing company in the mornings, and is with my dad the rest of the day. This isn’t because we (the family) feel we have to foster the ‘burden’ of her to other people, but because no ONE person can take care of all her needs 24/7 without burning themselves to ash just from the emotional strain. And it keeps Pammie’s brain stimulated with new faces and places. Her routine at nights is kept consistant. That’s Mommy time. Pam no longer thinks of my mother as her sister-in-law. Since the day my parents adoped her, Pammie has called my mother Mom or MomJudy. Nowadays, it’s “Mommy”. She’s even started calling my father “Daddy” instead of by his name. This change does not startle me. She’s becoming more and more childlike with every day.

But today was a good day. Pammie went with me to run some errands, and the whole time we were driving, she pointed out things she ‘knew’. For instance, a sign on the FoodLion window said “Green Grapes: $.99″. She said “Look Sissy! Green Beans for ninety nine dollars!? That’s a lot of monies!” I simply replied with “Yeah baby, that WOULD be a lot of money”. Driving to the Magistrate’s Office, we stopped to get a soda, and as I was running into the store, she said she wanted to stay in the car. I told her that was fine, but I would lock the doors and leave the AC on for her. I asked her if she knew how to unlock the door for me when I got back, and she got so confused between the door button and the window button, she started to cry. So I stopped her tears with a tickly spot, and showed her which button to push. I trusted that she would remember it long enough for me to make some change. She did, but the rest of the day, I kept a close eye on what she remembered.

She knew every building we passed, what it used to be, who we knew there, etc. She can’t remember what she ate for breakfast, but she knew that the Magistrate/DMV building used to be a library. She doesn’t remember my middle name, but she knew that the Rite Aid used to be an empty lot. She knows things of the distant past. A year or more, but not the short-term past. It troubles me. I know she’s moved to Stage Two Alzheimer’s…but it troubles me that it’s moving so quickly.

But today was a good day. She held my hand the whole time we were walking anywhere, and giggled over little things. An Happy Meal toy with stickers made her day, and she chattered nonstop to it in the car. *sighs* On one hand, I’m glad she finds ‘friends’ in inanimate things, as she will never be lonely…but on the other…I’m sad that her best friends are her babydolls and stuffed animals.

But today was a good day. She didn’t display any disturbed behaviour such as irrational anger, or self harming. So that makes today a good day. And any good day, I’ll cherish.

Carissa the Greatful