Little Voices in My Head

Girl Card

     After many years of study, I have come to the conclusion that there are many types of women in this wonderful world of ours. No two are alike, and none is more or less valuable than the next. However, I have realized that some have more of that “Girl”ness about them than others. It is that almost effortless way of announcing to the world “Hello! I am all that is female and if you don’t like it, well, I don’t like you!” way about them that I never seem to have perfected without dropping the “F” bomb. I call it “Owning a Girl Card”. Mine has been revoked since the great Duck Tape incident of 1997. (no, I will NOT elaborate, I still have nightmares, and in fact, I think I need to go get my blankie now)
     I have a theory that a Girl Card is an invisible mark of honor. It can be affixed to the body in any number of ways, either by belly button ring, or just tattooed on the bearer’s ass. *I’m SO in favor of the latter, as my belly has not, and WILL not see the light of day, but my ass is fair game*  It’s a simple scoring system, and I’m detailing it as follows for all of you to keep track at home so you may play along!

If you were born with a double X chromosome set *IE: Innie parts: female* give yourself 25 points just for being you! If you were born with an XY pairing *IE: outie parts:Male*…sorry dudes, you start at 0. Gotta work just a BIT harder for it.  

The Rules

You must maintain a 50pt average to keep your card.
Only another card holder can revoke or reinstate your card.
You, and ONLY you, are responsible for where your card is kept. That’s between you and your god/s of choice.
Have fun, and above all else, stay true to yourself.

SCORING

Remember: Some things require immediate revocation of your card. Left your girlfriend in crisis mode for a guy? IMMIDEATE revocation of your card can be demanded by said girlfriend until such time that you make it up to her by many, MANY margaritas and chocolate. Cry like a baby at the end of the movie “Beaches”? Immediate reinstatement of your card, no matter how far in the hole you are. That movie is an all-time-girl-point-earning-cry-like-you-wanna-die chick flick. You and your fellow card holders can determine your own revoke/reinstate laws as the cases apply for you. I know a gal who tries to reinstate my card every time I even mention shopping for myself, as I do it so seldom. She’s nice like that, and it really does mean that the ambient temperature in hell dropped a few dozen degrees. You get my point? Do what works for YOU. But there are SOME things that apply across the board, and I’ve listed them as follows:

• Every group of make-up you own is worth one point. No cheating. If you own five different colours of blush, you only get ONE point for ‘blush’ not five. Same with eyeshadow. I actually own 20 different colors. I only get one point for owning it.

• Getting a Mani/pedi: +5

• If you didn’t know what a Mani/pedi was: -10

• Owing a blow-dryer: +1

• Using it more than once a month: +2

• Take away a point for EVERY power tool you can correctly identify in this month’s hardware store flier.

• If you went to a salon this week: +5

• If you weren’t the customer, you went with a friend just to chat/you work there/etc.+10.

• You can use the word “poodle” in a sentence that is NOT about a dog: +3

• own a Barbie: +2

• Can name at least 2 boy bands: +4

• Can name one or more of the “Mc’s” from Grey’s Anatomy: +1

• Can name one or more of the “Fab Five”: +2

• Can name three or more Nascar drivers:-2

• Can name two or more Pro Football players:-3

• Hate to shop: -3

• With a passion:-4

• More than Hitler/Saddam/Osama combined:-10

• Can fix your own flat tire: -5

• Can change your own oil:-7

• Have Mr. Good-wrench on speed-dial: +5

• Have killed a spider without calling in a support team: -2

• Named it, gave it a proper burial, and a headstone: You are a freak like me, and I love you for it, but -3.

• Shrieked and ran away: +6

• Own a cat: +5

• Own a dog:+5

• a little dog:+1

• named it fucker: -2

• named it Tinkerbell:+2

• a big dog:+0/-0

• named it fluffy: +2

• named it Kujo:-2

• Own a fish:+1

• it’s a piranha: -1

• it’s some other kind of fish: +1

• Own a reptile: You effing rock, but you score no girl points.

• Have eaten the worm at the bottom of the bottle: -3

• Have been on Girls Gone Wild: grow up. -1

• Call your family regularly: +5

• Have a pet name for your boyfriend/hubby/lover: +3

• the name is derogatory: -3

Remember, these are going to evolve and change as the times change, and in NO way reflect MY opinion of you AS A PERSON. Or myself for that matter. I lost my Girl Card years ago, gained it back, lost it again, gained it back, *repeat ad nauseum* and will continue to do so until the day I die. It’s a lark. It’s fun, and hell, I’m sure some of you creative types will find a way to make it a drinking game. Hm. If you do, please, email me and tell me all about it! Sounds like fun! As always, I welcome your input. Feel free to comment on your suggestions for the things that apply across the board, and what fits your group’s standards for revocations and restatements. Have fun!