For FUCKS SAKE FEMALE! Some of us are trying to catch a wink or two.

Da angry black man has a gud tout. Why you not sleep?

Because I have thoughts. Lots and lots of thoughts. So much going on in my life right now, it’s kinda hard to keep it all straight AND make a ‘forty winks’ scenario happen.

So, like, tell us about it. Maybe you’ll sleep after a talkabout?

Eh. Ok, it’s worth a shot. So, first point. I’m kinda hurty. Yeah, great, not on crutches anymore. However, after three weeks with the leg all dangly instead of weight-beary, my calf muscles are SERIOUSLY underused and achy now. Damn Charlie Horse. So yeah, OWIE.

Howz about next time just letting the fucking crazy damn patient fall on their OWN ass?

Yeah. That’ll happen.

Anyway. The brain is sorting out some heavy convos I had earlier this week. One of which was with my ‘person’, Shannon. As usual, she didn’t let me evade any of the ‘hard’ questions, and got RIGHT to the heart of my bullshit. *sighs* I hate and love that she’s so damn perceptive about me. Then again, she says the same about ME, so we’re kinda even. Seems she thinks I have a low self-esteem. Eh. She’s got a point, I’m not much on the self praise when I’m not being all blustery and making people laugh…but I think I’m getting a TON better at not loathing most of my life thus far. That’s a plus, right? Besides, if I got TOO full of myself, there just wouldn’t be room for anyone else, and that would suck. I kinda really enjoy my ’someone else’ right now.

When you stop elud..evad…avoid the point? Is he your love or not?

Oh hell Yenta, what do I know of love? Sure, I’ve felt it, still do, for some of the men in my past…but is it the kind that makes me want to go all ‘be mine forever and ever’? Nah, never really got that emotion. Sad, really, when I was married for so many years… My Prince is my Prince, and for now, I’m REALLY REALLY happy with that. I mean, really. And safe. And comfortable. And yes, loved. So…I’m sticking with that for now…

Chicken.

Cluck.

The family is doing. Just doing. As my friend Evan puts it “whelmed”. Not overwhelmed, not underwhelmed, just, Whelmed. Pam has her days…Dad has HIS days now…and Mom’s so damn busy trying to hold her own brain in her skull that we’re all running around with our heads all up our own butts. Yeah, me having to work INSANELY weird hours right now isn’t helping. In two weeks when I finally get off this damn ‘light duty’ and resume my regularly scheduled insanity, I should be more helpful.

Helpful? Um, hello? Aren’t we doing that whole ‘party til we drop’ thing once you’re done with this crippy stuff? I have GOT to get my groove on.

Yeah…I’ll see what I can do. Speaking of grooves, I must be friggin magic. I mean, are there moonbeams and stardust shooting out of my nethers or something? The phone call I got today makes not one, but 5 former ‘friends’ of mine that are just jonesin for some more Cari-lovin. Jesus, I musta been SOME kinda whore… Or I’m just incapable of breaking things off firmly.

You finally figuring that shit out?

Oh stuff it Leroy! What I mean is that maybe Shannon has a point. If it weren’t for the ‘people pleasing’ gene firmly lodged between my bellybutton and my knees, I would be much more capable of saying ‘NO’. I cannot count the number of times I have placed myself in a situation where making the ‘yes or no’ decision is going to be required of me…and cannot seem to bring myself to actually say NO. Even when I want to. Even when it would be smart. I just can’t handle the whole ‘defending myself and my decisions’ thing…so I went along with much more than I should much more often than I should. NO, I don’t regret most of it…I learned a lot…but I do regret hurting my heart that way. I have equated sex with acceptance far too long and I’m kinda sick of it. Now the hard part is going to be telling (most of) the formers that they are, in fact, SOL when it comes to continuing the encounters. Some of them will still be friendly, and some of them…I’ll never talk to again. I can handle that.

Bubbie, dis is good decision. Now, why you not sleep if you make smart tought?

I don’t know. I have many ideas running around my brain for the book, and for blogs, and for just…angsty little bits of fun, that I can’t combobulate them all into a cohesive unit. Hence the rambling.

Then why don’t you take OUR tired little tushies to bed and sort it all out tomorrow? I mean, like, we have all the time in the world ya know?

That seems smart.

Carissa the Sleepy.