Little Voices in My Head

I’ve always said that I would have made a crappy lesbian. I applaud women who are, for they are better women than me. Let’s face it, attraction to women just makes sense. We’re pretty. We (to make a gross generalization) smell nice. We’re great to cuddle with, and to top it off, we have the boobs, and therefore, the power. Not only can we conquer nations, we can rebuild them with a smile. Men? Not so much. Men have the tendency to lean towards that funk smell. (yeah, man funk can be sexy, it’s full of pheromones and stuff, but not so pleasant most days) They’re great to cuddle with when you’re cold cuz hey, human furnaces. But what use is that in August? They do have that certain appendage that makes life worth livin’. *WINK* However, men, for all their faults, have one thing up on women that keeps me batting for the hetro team. Men (another gross generalization commin’ your way) for the most part, are not big balls o’ crazy.   

Not to belittle my gender, and yes, I’m lumping myself squarely in there with the rest of them. Women can be absolutely INSANE. I’ve seen women do some of the most conniving, underhanded, shiesty, sneaky, downright cruel things to others all over some misguided notion of ‘love’ or (in most cases) blind lust. Most of them don’t even know they’re doing it. Some do it deliberately. For instance, I have a girlfriend who, when in a supposed “monogamous” relationship, found her lover in a certain compromising position with another gal pal, (I think the exact position is on page 178 of the Karma Sutra, for those who want to look it up) didn’t break up with her lover. She allowed him to remain in her life and in her bed, simply for the express purpose of punishing him later. She bided her time, waited for the moment he relaxed into the relationship again…then shredded his clothes, dumped them on the lawn, melted his CDs and DVDs in the garage with a propane torch, (actually made an impressive art peice) and repainted his car with bright green house paint. On one hand, I have to applaud her actions, but I seriously disrespect her timing. The moment for that kind of revenge was the moment of discovery, not a year later.

 A guy friend of mine is having issues with a girl who keeps jerking him back and forth over the ‘relationship’ coals. This guy is almost perfect boyfriend material. He’s honest, charming, treats her like gold, takes care of her, (and yes, he’s hot) not to mention he is emotionally open and ready for a committed relationship with her. Yet, she keeps raking him because she just can’t get it through her skull that he’s not going to put up with her back and forth emotional ping-pong forever. Then she wants to cry about it. Boo freakin hoo.

I myself, cannot take compliment graciously to save my freaking life. Yet heaven forbid my boys or my sweetie don’t notice I’ve lost another 10lbs. I simply MUST point it out and wait for them to tell me to go buy more clothes, because it makes me feel good. If they tell me I look pretty, I tell them the bullshit is getting deep, but them telling me to go buy pants that don’t fall off my ass makes me feel good. Totally crazy. And totally female.  

Have you ever looked at a gal pal and wondered, “Why don’t you just grow a pair, put on your big girl-panties, and get over it?!”. Well, they don’t, because women are prone to insanity. Hence the reason I applaud lesbians. Putting ONE woman in a relationship is trouble enough, mixing two in there? Now THAT’S certifiable. Or heroic. You decide.

So, I updated the “Dating Carissa” (for those crazy enough to attempt it) page. I was almost tempted to put up the newest addition as a general post, as it’s more of a ‘dating tips’ in general blog, but some of them are “Carissa” specific, so on the page it went!

Muffy had way too much free time, so I’m blaming her for most of it. Enjoy!

(look on the left side of the screen, scroll down to the “Pages” section. Locate the “Dating Carissa” link. Click on it. Gooooood Job!)

Good morning! Well, I don’t know what time of day it is where you are, but to me, it is quite literally, the wee hours of the A.M. I am wide awake, fueled as always, by my cheery *scoffing in my head with my little voices offering a chorus of “yeah, right”s* disposition, and many many cups of pumpkin flavored coffee. I surmised that since I am awake, and so is the Gang, I might as well post a few more pages. You can now find The Girl Card as well as the wonderful world of Dating Carissa. Oh yes, there are actually men on this planet JUST crazy enough to attempt it. And yes, some that even come back for seconds. (and thirds, and fourths, and…well, we won’t divulge ALL the sorted details, you pervs.) Hope your day is going smoothly, and if it’s not, well, make up something funny, and pretend it is! Remember, reality is what you make of it. And I don’t suffer from insanity I  enjoy every minute of it!

Carissa and the Gang

***Wrote this in college many, many,MANY, moons ago, and yet, demand for it’s posting has been expressed. Not to be read by those without a funny bone. In fact, those without said bone should leave this site immediately. Why are you here? Aren’t you sad? Do you need a hug? I have two good arms, honestly. Right here for ya…***

Rats: More Than Your Average Pest

            As a carnivorous human, I feel I know the taste and texture of animal meat well. I know when I’m eating cow, chicken, duck, pork, venison, and even rabbit. Yet, I feel that a serious aspect of meat is being ignored from the human diet; one that could solve vermin population problems and cure hunger in underdeveloped regions.

            Rats in New York and other such cities, as well as like vermin of the sort, have been known to reach sizes as large as 15 lbs. or more. Given that these creatures are so disproportionately large, they are likely to have larger amounts of edible flesh. Why not take advantage of their size and availability to feed our growing homeless and overpopulated ranks? ‘The most widely cited example of point in time estimate is the approximately 500,000 to 600,000 homeless found in shelters, eating in soup kitchens, or congregating in the streets during one week in 1988’. (Burt and Cohen, 1989) The homeless could catch their own rats, and the public at large can buy them from reputable dealers. Rats can be sold as delicacies when properly prepared. Everyone would benefit.

            Naturally, there are some sanitation issues involved. Rats are not the cleanest creatures around, yet if properly cleaned and cooked, they are edible.  The currently underpaid, under appreciated, shelter workers can be retrained in rat-to-food preparation. These workers, who already have the drive and determination to help the homeless and starving, as seen by their willingness to continue to work even though they are pitifully funded and paid even less, are the most likely candidates to handle the rats for sanitation purposes.

            Rat meat will not only supply the homeless with food, but can also be a delightful delicacy for the privileged, when properly prepared. Due to a live rat’s scavenger tendencies, their flesh may be contaminated with various low-level toxins. These are eradicated when the rat is properly and thoroughly cleaned and cooked, yet much like the delicacy fu-gu, for those who can afford to live on the edge, the rat can be eaten raw, adding an element of danger and suspense to the meal. The best way I’ve seen rat prepared, is to serve it well done with a nicely flavored honey mustard sauce over rice. Rice is also a cheap and abundant food staple and it compliments the gamish texture of the rat rather well. Rat may eventually replace standard, “cuter” animals such as duck, venison, rabbit, quail, and others. This will undoubtedly please animal rights activists, as rats are often not seen as true animals, but as vermin to be exterminated. Why not use the rats for a logical purpose rather than dispose of the carcasses by dumping them in a river, burning, or burying them? (All of which will pollute the medium in which they are dumped)

            In short, the solution to our homeless problem is not educating them so they have an employable skill, not to build more shelters, but to use our already available resources. Rats, and already employed shelter workers are ripe for the exploiting in our major cities, and are not being properly taken advantage of. I would like to conclude that I would not gain personally from this endeavor, as I am not an exterminator, and have no desire to be so. This solution would not advance my life’s work in any way. All it may do for me, is rid my basement of a valuable, yet pesky, piece of meat.