Little Voices in My Head

I was going through some old documents of mine on a REALLY old PC hardrive, and stumbeled across this gem of a conversation I had with Mike. Mike is a friend from my ECU days. Mike is an awesome dude, and this convo took place late one night over AIM when I couldn’t sleep and Mike was kind enough to indulge me with a bit of a story. The people mentioned do exist, but their personality traits are completely exaggerated. The misspelling of my name is deliberate and a pun on the way my old roommate used to say it when she was drunk. She tended to drop syllables here and there. *rolling eyes* Enjoy!
firefingers10: Sup hommie?
Unshun2001: Hey, girl
firefingers10: How you livin?
Unshun2001: What you up to?
firefingers10: I’m bored as hell.
Unshun2001:I’m livin’ aight for now
firefingers10: LOL
firefingers10: I need to be asleep, but I’m not.
firefingers10: Tell me a bedtime story?
Unshun2001: What kind of a story are you up for?
firefingers10: A good one with a happy ending.
Unshun2001: ONCE UPON A TIME
Unshun2001: There was a special planet where it was nice and sunny year-round
Unshun2001: people were nice to each other, and drinks were always on the house
firefingers10: OOo this is going to be good, I can tell.
Unshun2001:This place was called Goodland, and all of its inhabitants were Goody products
Unshun2001: like combs and other randomness
Unshun2001: And they were happy in their plastic existence
firefingers10: oooo plastic@!
Unshun2001: but one day….
Unshun2001: they noticed that the part of their race that was chipping its teeth and losing its caps was not being replenished
Unshun2001: Not to mention, drinks weren’t free anymore
Unshun2001: the Goodies had no idea what was going on, so they called a town meeting
Unshun2001:Chief Masta “G” decided that it would be necessary to investigate further
Unshun2001: two of the bravest Goodies were selected to travel to planet Earth to see what was going wrong with Goody production
firefingers10: ooooo hope it turns out alright!
Unshun2001: these two…
Unshun2001: none other than Fred Bowen and Cap
firefingers10: Fred and Cap!
firefingers10: Heroes!~!!!!
Unshun2001:Fred Bowen with an amazing gumby-like power to flail every which way and confuse people with his slow, drawn-out rhetoric
Unshun2001:Cap, with the ability to blend in with weasils and scare the living shit out of people
Unshun2001: and sometimes, do both… at the same time!!!!
firefingers10: wow….
Unshun2001: They hopped aboard their plastic craft and headed off
Unshun2001: Years later, they were unfrozen
Unshun2001:they pulled a time freeze biatch like Sigourney Weaver did in Alien
firefingers10: I love that movie!
firefingers10: Wow!
Unshun2001: Only the most special person ever could thaw them out…
Unshun2001:Car’ssA
Unshun2001: So she went with her assistant, Jesus Brian
firefingers10: Awwww!~ I’m in the story!
firefingers10: Fluffy!
Unshun2001:Since she had the powers of Burger King at her disposal, she decided that the tradtional thaw wasn’t happening
Unshun2001: and instead… deep fried and microwaved those pieces
firefingers10: Wow.
firefingers10: c’rissA rocks.
Unshun2001:The Goodies told Car’ssA of the troubles on their planet, and suddenly she realized why her goldie locks that kept her warm in winter had been extra Bob-Marleyish
Unshun2001: NO NEW COMBS…
Unshun2001: Well, that wasn’t about to happen
Unshun2001:nosireeBOB!!!
firefingers10: no way!
Unshun2001: Jesus Brian agreed, because, well, that’s usually what he does
firefingers10: Good sidekick.
Unshun2001: They darted straight for the Goody factories
Unshun2001: Landing at the most sophisticated, they immediately began questioning the Harlem residents
firefingers10: ooo natives!~
Unshun2001: They began explaining that they had been running the rich white man’s America for years and years without respect or raises
Unshun2001: so they just decided to go postal
firefingers10: oooo tension mounting!
Unshun2001: Fred Bowen got them all around him on a carpet, kind of like in Death to Smoochy, to tell them a helpful story
Unshun2001: He began in citing Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance
Unshun2001:his tale was long, arduous, and full of big words and dirtay south attitude
firefingers10: ooooo story time with Fred!
Unshun2001: he explained that it was wrong that these atrocities had occurred
Unshun2001:but that once upon a time, Car’ssA wouldn’t date him, and so… life doesn’t always work out the way you want it to
firefingers10: awww….
Unshun2001: The Harlem peeps didn’t really get it on the first time around
Unshun2001: then Fred decided to entertain them
Unshun2001: He told them a story of a time when he worked with Front Porch Productions and all of them gathered weekly in an attempt to create an awesome show
firefingers10: oooo he’s showing iniciative!
Unshun2001:about high school proms, virgin sluts, omniscient black guys, and all that shiat
Unshun2001: and how he was going to write the script based on all the others’ ideas
Unshun2001: but in the shadows of the room, Cap was growing weary
Unshun2001: and he was thinking it was time to unleash the fury and straight up bust some aspirin
firefingers10: asprin!
Unshun2001: So he went straight psycho on the mothers and made them take his advanced acting classes
firefingers10: ooooo the nemisis of all students!
Unshun2001:Several months later, the Harlemites knew the meaning of pain
Unshun2001: and they knew that life wasn’t fair, and that not all people were there to help them out
Unshun2001: their hearts grew three times that day
Unshun2001: though I don’t know why.
firefingers10: wow, growing body parts!
Unshun2001: So they figured out that someone would always be there to do that job, but if it made them miserable, then they needed to find a new job
Unshun2001: so maybe all the problems of the world weren’t fixed, but it was a start
Unshun2001: maybe the white man will taste boot one day
Unshun2001: but we don’t know
Unshun2001: and in fact, the Goodies don’t mind much
firefingers10: Ooo what happened to the Goodies home world?
Unshun2001:because the drinks were never free again on Goodyland again
Unshun2001: but they got something a lot better than free drinks
firefingers10: ooo ooo ooo what?
Unshun2001: production went up 40%
Unshun2001:and on top of that, they got to take Car’ssA back home with them, and that is the most joyous thing of all
Unshun2001: as a matter of fact, they all agree, it’s better than sex.
firefingers10: LOL I love this story!
Unshun2001: And I suppose you’re wondering what happened to Fred Bowen….
firefingers10: Did he ever get over not dating Car’ssA?
Unshun2001: Well, just as they were about to return home, Fred decided that maybe he didn’t fit in… he was still bitter
Unshun2001: he thought that maybe he needed a new home altogether
Unshun2001:but he never did find out where Gumby lived
firefingers10: Gumbe eloped with pokey, DUH.
Unshun2001:but… he was sitting on the shore one day, reminiscing, thinking about shizznit, meditating, daydreaming, and stuff like that
Unshun2001: and all of a sudden, King Triton came out of the water and turned him into a Mermaid
Unshun2001: and wouldn’t you know
Unshun2001:that lucky muthafucka got to chill out UNDA THE SEA for the rest of his days, and it was beautiful
firefingers10: awww…fins!
Unshun2001: and, oh yeah…
Unshun2001: he got to hit on Ariel
Unshun2001: WHO WOULDN’T WANT A PIECE OF THAT
firefingers10: That’s one tasty fishy bitch. I must agree.
Unshun2001: So all in all, everything worked out, and everyone lived fairly happily
firefingers10: That rocks.
firefingers10: Nice story!
firefingers10: You soooo should write that shit down.
firefingers10: I’m going to have to save this convo.

Weird weird comments

As my family and friends will bemoaningly tell you, (should you care to ask) I have some…quirks, in my personality that make life with me…interesting. *yeah, we’ll go with interesting…yeah…* One of those little quirks is a strong propensity to telling the brutal truth. About everything. All the time. I just can’t help myself. Those little white lies people tell to make you feel better about yourself? Nope, can’t do it.
This has, at times, gotten me in some VERY hot water, but it has also saved my ass on occasion. Some friends and family think this quirk is awesome, and some think it’s my worst fault. Those that love it, love it because I can help them out. Want to know how your ass REALLY looks in those jeans? Ask Carissa. Got a ‘delicate’ problem, but need to know the honest solution? Ask Carissa. Absolutely need to know wither or not you’re just being a whiny git and need to get over it? OH for the love of all things HOLY, ASK CARISSA! Because I will tell you. I won’t be mean about it, I won’t condescend to you, and I will NEVER tell another living soul about it if you don’t want me to, but I will also, never never lie to you.
This also extends to myself. I refuse to ever lie to myself, about anything.
So when I tell you what I’m about to relate next, please understand that I am not being modest, self-depreciating, fishing for compliments, or even setting myself up for a joke. *for once, I’m NOT going for a gag* I’m just being as honest with myself as I would be with any of you. So here goes.

I’m not physically beautiful. I know this. I accepted it years ago, and actually, I’m really glad I’m not. It takes a load of pressure off of me, and has allowed me to develop my personality and character rather than my hair flipping technique. Honestly, pick 20 random women my age off the street, put them in a room with me, and have 100 random men rank us in order of appearance. NO way in hell I’m going to be in the top 5 on any of those men’s lists. Now, ask those same women to list their character traits, personality quirks, hobbies, interests, intelligence, etc. on a piece of paper, and have those same men pick who they want to date? OH, I am SOOO in the top five of that list. Every time. Maybe even the top ONE on several of them. I’m just that damn cool to date. Just ask my boyfriend.
That is why I’m so comfortable meeting men online, or through other friends.Because in those forums, my personality matters most. My brain power. Not the power of my boobs. *which are awesome as well, but hey, it’s not like I had any control over that*
A 6 year old called me pretty. Out of the frigging blue. It really got me thinking. It wasn’t just the 6yr old, because he was just one of many anomalous comments and events about my looks lately. Not one, but TWO men asked me out IRL. Then, just today at work, I got a phone call from an old friend, who just HAD to tell me about another friend of his who happened to see pictures of me online and wanted to know if I would be available for a date. And why I didn’t divorce “El Douche-bag” sooner and marry HIM! *I’m thinking that last bit was an exaggerated joke, but still, this is me with the shock* I’m busy looking around for the Candid Camera crew. This is SO not my life.
Granted, I’ve lost over 70 pounds in the last 9 months, but I’ve been much skinnier than this before, and have not had this kind of response from men. So I’m really confused. My mom posed the theory that maybe men, and the random 6 year old, are just picking up on how happy I am. I think this could be true. I mean, if Confidence is sexy, maybe Happy is pretty? Whatever is causing it, I like it, and I think I’m going to just roll with it. But if you see me look like a monkey doing a math problem after talking to a guy, just do me a favor, and slap me upside the head and tell me it’s going to be ok, there are no cameras. Breathe Carissa, BREATHE.
I don’t know for sure, but I’m willing to take the word of a 6year old any day, because they are the most honest people on the planet. I’m pretty dammit, and I’m rocking it!