Little Voices in My Head

New page is up! Titled “Meet the Voices” and is your first chance to see a bit of what goes on inside MY head on a daily basis. Not for the weak of funny bone, or the faint of heart when it comes to profanity. (Leroy can get a little…blue) Enjoy.

Tooting my own horn is unusual for me. Pull up your squares of carpet, folks. I’m about to blow that sucker like Little Boy Blue.

In the past 18months, I have lost over 100 pounds. Yep. For those of you keeping track, that’s 20 more pounds than an Olsen Twin. That’s almost a BackStreet Boy. That’s two, *count ‘em* TWO large bags of dog food, ten bags of kitty litter, or almost 80 pairs of Jimmy Choos. (I have shoes on the brain lately. I’m blaming Muffy, she’s having shopping cravings) I was talking to a new friend just yesterday about some of the coolest things I’ve noticed now that I’ve got this ‘new’ body. Some of them, like fitting into old clothing from college, are obvious, but some are so obscure that most of you ‘average’ or ’skinny’ people would never even think of them. So I decided to list them. You may consider some of it bragging, and you may consider some of it so mundane that you’ll be bored to tears, but I’m happy about it, and if you don’t like it, in the words of Leroy “Kiss my glistening bald black butt while you’re back there!”

Some of the best things about being 100 lbs lighter

• Being able to walk across a crowded room without hurting people.

• Using a regular blood pressure cuff at the doctor’s office.

• Ordering a dessert at a restaurant without getting ‘the look’ from your waiter/waitress/other patrons.

• Buying regular width shoes.

• Seat belts in cars don’t lock if you adjust your arms.

• Someone assumed I played sports in High-School. ME?! Sports? WHA?

• Not worrying about breaking plastic lawn furniture.

• Taking a flight of stairs simply because the elevator was too darn slow, and the stairs were actually faster.

• Sitting in a booth with my boyfriend, and we both had elbow room to spare. (not that we used it, but it was there if we wanted it, and that’s the point. LOL)

• Hugging my friends and feeling their arms actually go AROUND me for the first time.

• Hearing someone call me “the pretty, tall one, in the corner” when describing me to someone who hadn’t met me.

• Doing a split for the first time in 10 years.

• Adjusting my bra straps DOWN a size in the back.

• Arguing with my girlpal over who the wolf-whistle was aimed at. And losing because it was aimed at me.

• Learning to accept compliments that aren’t false.

• Being able to look at catalogs and have the option of ordering from one because the sizes include ME now.

• Swimsuits no longer cause panic attacks.

• I don’t fear starting a fire if wearing corduroy pants.

• My hands are the only things that wave when I say hello and goodbye.

• I can wear my boyfriend’s jacket, and zip it up, and be warm.

• Only ONE chin to powder when applying makeup.

Some of you won’t understand half of those things, and some of you are smiling and nodding because you understand EXACTLY what I’m saying. Those of you who are in the SAME boat I was 18 months ago, and hating it, email me. I won’t recommend a weight loss plan for you, because I firmly believe that no person is going to lose weight until THEY are ready to do it. Nothing I say is going to change that, and what I did to lose weight isn’t going to work the same way for any other person on this planet. (because I can’t really pinpoint exactly WHAT the hell I did anyway) But I will be here for you. I will listen. I will slap the mess outta those people that ‘mean well’ when they give you all that ‘advice’… *groan*

And for those of you hating me at this moment: nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh. Kiss my bald, shiny, white, skinny butt while you’re back there, if you can catch it. I’m going for a hike. I have the energy now.

WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT!! I’m not kidding folks; this one is full of graphic descriptions of a carcass and some serious cursing due to my anger. In general I had a fabulous, week-long, birthday. However, there was ONE little event that threatened to mar the bliss. Rich and I went to Union Point Park in New Bern, just to watch the birds, take some pictures, and just have fun being with each other. That part was awesome. But while there, we stumbled upon a carcass of a gull. This wouldn’t be unusual except for the fact that this carcass had obviously been there for at least a couple of days. The eye cavities were already empty, (except for a few opportunistic maggots), rigor had come and gone, and the stench was…well…I’d rather not describe that. I just ate. My anger was piqued. How could rational adults just walk by this carcass and leave it sitting there? Granted, Bird Flu isn’t as bad as most people, thanks to sensationalist media, think it is, but a carcass like that, in a public park, where children had been playing not THREE minutes before, is a health hazard. I don’t think I need to list all of the diseases that a normal, adult gull is exposed to in its daily life, let alone its death. Now, because I am a bit of an animal freak, I set about looking for a way of humanely disposing of this creature. I do happen to always carry gloves in my med kit in my car, but my car was about 300yards away. As Rich (who was a trooper putting up with my investigation, he even filmed it with his digital camera, that man just gets better and better) and I walked to the car, the bright idea came upon me that “hey, this is a dog friendly park, they have poop bags here” so I just grabbed a couple of those, wrapped my hands up, and proceeded to examine the bird. I’m hoping that by the time I post this, I will have the video available for all of you who care to see it, but until then: The bird was a female, adult gull, no obvious injuries; no signs of impact present, wings were in full flight order. So without a necropsy, I have no idea why it died. I can hazard a guess, as when I palpated the gull’s belly, it was firm in most places, except RIGHT where its stomach would be. That was a big spot of mush. Very distended. Either the gull was extraordinarily stupid and ate itself to death, *which is almost impossible*, or someone had fed that gull something it shouldn’t have been eating. Like Alka-Seltzer. Used to see birds with this type of death all the time when I volunteered at a wildlife shelter. So at this point, I am SO mad I can’t see straight. But like I said, without a necropsy, I can’t be sure, so my anger is mostly unwarranted. I placed the bird into some of the bags, wrapped up tightly, and laid it in a trash receptacle that I know was taken away the next day. (This was after sunset at this point, and the park was closing, it’s better than leaving the bird out for kids to play with) It saddened me to see that the birds that frequent the park have become so humanized that they’ll eat anything you toss up at them. They’ve become so used to being fed, that they have lost a lot of their own protective instincts. *heaving a huge sigh* I promise to climb off my soap box about it and not bring it up again, but damnit, it really pissed me off. The rest of the night was amazing, as were the rest of my birthday celebrations in general. Rich and I had a great time in NewBern on Monday after the whole “bird disposal”, and the Boys came over and we played a couple of rousing games of Scene It and Shout About Movies!. It was awesome. Tuesday I had birthday dinner with my family, and it was great spending some quality time with them. I don’t see them as often as I’d like to. Wednesday I drove my happy butt to Jacksonville to have dinner with Gwen, and we had a total blast. Thursday Chris and Heather had Rich and me over for dinner *OMG Heather can COOK!! Still loving the ziti Heather!!* And we all played Pictionary. I also had ONE too many Pina Colodas…but that’s a whole nother story! Just remember all, alcohol is truth serum, and should only be imbibed with those you love. They won’t kill you the next day. Friday morning it was back to work for me, and here I sit, at 10:17am on Saturday, just waiting on my break time when I can hook up my lappy to a Wi-Fi that isn’t secured and post to you lovely people. Yep. Happy Carissa.

 

 First Impressions of the Gull [0:45m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (55)

Good morning! Well, I don’t know what time of day it is where you are, but to me, it is quite literally, the wee hours of the A.M. I am wide awake, fueled as always, by my cheery *scoffing in my head with my little voices offering a chorus of “yeah, right”s* disposition, and many many cups of pumpkin flavored coffee. I surmised that since I am awake, and so is the Gang, I might as well post a few more pages. You can now find The Girl Card as well as the wonderful world of Dating Carissa. Oh yes, there are actually men on this planet JUST crazy enough to attempt it. And yes, some that even come back for seconds. (and thirds, and fourths, and…well, we won’t divulge ALL the sorted details, you pervs.) Hope your day is going smoothly, and if it’s not, well, make up something funny, and pretend it is! Remember, reality is what you make of it. And I don’t suffer from insanity I  enjoy every minute of it!

Carissa and the Gang